


Blue Days

by MCRocks99



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2014-01-10
Packaged: 2017-12-25 11:50:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/952733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MCRocks99/pseuds/MCRocks99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Gerard hits his lows, the world takes on a blue tint. The only way to break out is to break skin. </p><p> </p><p>OR The one where Gerard has bipolar disorder and has to figure out some healthier ways to deal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Relapse

**Author's Note:**

> This is super triggering! Please be careful. This is based pretty soundly on my own life, so all the self-harm scenes will probably be pretty graphic.

"If you don't stop that, I'm going to give you a reason to cry." Gerard looked up into his mother's exasperrated eyes. He reached up and touched his cheeks, only to find that he was crying again. He made a frustrated noise. 'How am I supposed to help how I feel?' he thought to himself as he muttered an apology to his mother and fled downstairs to his basement room.  
That was one of the things he had always fought with his mother about. He could practically hear her voice, 'You don't have anything to be depressed about. If you really understood yourself, you wouldn't be a cutter. What's your problem this time?' He cranked up his stereo and huddled into his sheets. It wasn't his fault that he was sad. It wasn't his fault that the only way to feel normal again was to slice himself open and let all the bad drain out with the blood.  
But they wouldn't ever get that. They wouldn't get that it was an addiction. That every time he tried to stop his arm got itchy and he was cranky and sad and everything took on a blue tint.  
They just pushed him to 'keep clean' and 'keep up his education' and 'chase his dreams'. He gave up on dreams long ago, when they laughed and talked to him like they were humoring a child. 'Yeah, I'm sure you could go somewhere with your art and keep yourself stable. Okay.' 'Yeah, sure, you can make music to help people. You've done such a great job helping yourself.' All the doubts came flooding back from where he pushed them away.  
What was the point? Who would even care if he was gone? His family clearly hated him. They knew he was useless and headed for nowhere, even his little brother. Mikey had never said things like that to Gerard, but he was sure he said things like that to his friends. He looked around for his bag. The most important bag he owned. Two weeks clean, his brain whispered. are you really going to throw that away? Maybe you are useless. Gee couldn't even figure out a reason to stick around in his own head. How pathetic was that?  
He pulled out the tiny, sharp blade. He remembered pulling it out from his worst pencil sharpener. He hadn't thought it would slice so well. The fine lines bled better than the stupid safety razor marks had. He began to slice, slowly downwards. Gerard recalled something he read on Tumblr about how slicing vertically was more likely to kill you. He didn't even care anymore. He cut from the top of his wrist all the way to the crook in his elbow, on both arms, and waited.  
Ten minutes later, he was still conscious and waiting. Guess I didn't go deep enough, he thought. Oh well, there would be a next time. He pulled one of the boxes of band-aids from the bag and bandaged his arms. Five band-aids did the trick, and he pulled on an old sweatshirt. If his mom saw, she would make good on her promise to lock him in an institution. He just knew it.  
Gerard heard the front door open and four sets of footsteps begin to make their ways towards the basement steps. He quickly cleaned up the blood on the blade and stuck it back in the bag. The bag went to its place underneath the false bottom of his bedside table's drawer and he threw himself at the desk and flipped his sketchbook open to an unfinished sketch. He made himself look like he had been working on the dragon when the door swung open. He twisted in his chair and made a face at his friends.  
"What if I had been naked?" Gerard asked as Mikey, Ray, Bob and Frank filed into his room. Bob and Ray took the moon-chairs in the corners and Mikey came straight to Gerard. Frank flopped down on the bed.  
"Why would you be naked? You never shower." Mikey scoffed. Gerard saw Frank glance down at the sheets and freeze. Fuck. Gerard had forgotten about the blood he left on the sheets. Frank unfroze and looked up at Gerard, eyes wide. His face relaxed and he scooted to cover the stain with his legs. Gerard just knew that they would be talking about it when the others eventually left, even if he had to wait all night.  
"It's the principle of the thing." Gerard mumbled. He was in serious shit.  
'Whatever," Bob rumbled. 'We want to watch a movie, not a debate on ethics." Ray giggled. Gerard rolled his eyes and moved over to the bed. He plopped next to Frank.  
"Put a movie in." He commanded Mikey. Mikey rolled his eyes and scooted on the floor to the DVD player. He popped in The Exorcist and sat in the chair Gerard had vacated. Frank grabbed Gerard's arm. Gee winced.  
"We're going to get snacks." Frank announced. He nonchalantly covered up the stain and pulled Gerard out of the room and up the stairs. Gerard glanced around nervously for his mom but only found a note on the fridge about her going down to the church. Frank turned to him.  
"Seriously dude, what the fuck is going on with you?" Gerard couldn't meet his eyes. "You've been quiet, and you don't leave your room, and you're cutting again. I thought we talked about this. You're supposed to call me." Frank's tone was calm, but Gerard knew there was a storm brewing. He was disappointed. He hated disappointing Frank more than anything.  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to relapse. I just...I lost it. I'm sorry." Gerard was practically whispering. Frank's face softened.  
"It's okay to relapse, Gee. It's expected. As long as you get up and try again. And for fuck's sake, call me. You know my phone is always on!" He grabbed Gerard's chin and made him look up. "Chin up, Gee. It'll get better. You just have to let it." Gerard's eyes filled with tears. He lunged forward and hugged Frank tightly. They stood there until Gerard stopped sniffling. "Come on, let's get some snacks and go back before the guys get all suspicious."  
"You won't tell them? Not even Mikey?" Gerard whimpered.  
"Not a soul." Frank winked and grabbed a bag of chips. Gerard grabbed some sodas and they tromped downstairs.  
"What even took so long? You girls done gossiping?" Bob fussed over the movie.  
"Maybe they braided hair," Ray contributed, taking the soda from Gee. Frank played with his mohawk.  
"Yeah, no. My hair isn't long enough, and Gee's isn't even clean enough." He plopped down on the beside Gerard and opened the chips. "Just for that, you fuckers aren't getting my chips!"  
"Your chips?" Mikey questioned as he glanced over at Frank. "You don't even technically live here."  
"Shut up. Movie." Bob commanded, and everyone obeyed. Gerard snuggled down onto Frank's bony-ass shoulder and closed his eyes. Maybe this would be his last relapse.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short. And sorry it takes me forever to update! I don't know if anyone really cares about this fic, and I lack motivation.

Gerard plopped down on the couch in the living room and turned on the television. He had put in “Invasion of the Bodysnatchers” and was prepared to watch it and a couple of other movies, as a personal celebration for making it to Saturday. "My TV just doesn't cut it when it comes to Bodysnatchers," Gerard thought out loud. He needed that shit on the big screen in the living room. Just as he started the movie, his mom came in and sat in the armchair. She didn't say anything. She just sat there staring at the screen. Gerard decided to pretend she wasn't there.  
"The worst part is when she melts in his arms at the end. The whole end of the movie sucks." his mom said out of nowhere.  
Gerard jumped a little. Then what she said clicked. "No way! The end is the best!" he countered. "It's totally poetic. And the dog with the man's face? Brilliant." He began to wave his arms around. "He bashed the faces and burned everything! Then he became what he hated the most. It was beautiful!" He finished and realized that he totally just ranted to his mom about Invasion of the Bodysnatchers of all things.  
She looked at him weird for a second, then said nonchalently, "If you're going to cut, don't do it on your wrists." She stood up and walked out of the room, leaving Gerard there open-mouthed.  
He felt a little sick. Why would she even say that? What did she mean by that? He suddenly didn't want to watch the movie anymore, especially alone. 'Frank,' his mind helpfully supplied. He could call Frank, actually. Frank would come running. Gerard could tell him what his mom said and he wouldn't freak like Mikey would, because Frank already knew.  
'Wow. You're going to go running to Frank for such a tiny thing? You're annoying him. You know you are. Always calling, and never with good news. Maybe you should let yourself die. You're obviously making him miserable. You think he doesn't have his own shit to handle? Pathetic.' his brain spat. Gerard couldn't call Frank. He couldn't be clingy. What if Frank left? Gerard would be so sad, so lost. Gerard got up and stumbled over to the TV, turning it off. He then made his way downstairs. He almost fell down the steps a few times, but eventually he made it into his cluttered bedroom.  
'Why do I even get up in the mornings?' he thought miserably. Maybe if he layed here long enough, he would just die. He closed his eyes.  
***  
"Gerard, what are you doing? You've been down here all weekend. We have school." Mikey poked his head around the corner.  
Gerard thought he didn't notice things, but Mikey noticed a lot more than Gerard did. He knew that Gee hadn't moved from his bed since Saturday. He hadn't had anything to eat, or drink. He hadn't showered (not that that was unusual). He was sinking again.  
"Gee, c'mon." Mikey navigated through the mess and over to his brother's bed.  
"Go away. I don't want to go to school today." Gerard rolled over and MIkey stifled a gasp. The bruises under Gerard's eyes were dark and puffier than usual.  
"Haven't you slept?" Mikey asked, astounded. Spending two days in a bed and not sleeping was a little strange. But then again, that was Gerard.  
"I don't really feel like going to school today, Mikey. I hate the people there," Gerard grumbled. It wasn't that Gerard was bullied-no, some of that shit only happens on ABC movies. Everyone just kind of ignored Gerard. That bothered him more than being shoved into a locker. It was like he wasn't even there. Part of the wall. Insignificant. It was definitely worse.  
"You gotta go. So you can graduate. Come on, not everyone sucks there… Frank's there."  
Mikey was unsure what kind of reaction he would get from that, but he had suspicions. Gerard brightened a little and nodded. He stood to get dressed. Mikey smirked, satisfied. He climbed out of the basement shouting, "We're leaving in 20 minutes!" out to his brother.  
***  
Keeping his eyes peeled for Frank, Gerard pushed his way through the over-crowded hallways of the high school. He wanted his promised Frank. He almost tipped over as a sudden weight climbed onto his back. He stumbled to the side, receiving glares from the other pedestrians. The weight disappeared, and he turned to face Frank. He wasn't that much bigger than Frank, and they could've gotten them hurt. He said as much to him.  
"But we didn't!" Frank beamed. "Anyways, you aren't that much bigger than me. Just a little."  
Gerard smiled back. "Whatever. It's lunch time. Let's go, Tiny Tim."  
Frank frowned and Gerard giggled. They headed to the cafeteria. "You eating?" Frank muttered to Gerard. He hated the cafeteria; it was loud and full of people he had no interest in. Frank glanced over in time to see Gerard shake his head. He grabbed his belt loop and pulled him over to where they could see Ray's enthusiastic hair bobbing around. They plopped down and Gerard's cheeks burned as Mikey raised an eyebrow at Frank's make-shift leash. He made a face at him and scooted closer to Frank, much to Frank's delight.  
"Anyways," Ray smirked at the silent exchange between his friends, "I was planning on a movie night this weekend. You guys in?" Frank and Mikey nodded. Gerard made a low sound of agreement.  
"I'll bring the Jack!" Frank announced. They all looked at him. "What?" He blushed. "That's what they say in the movies!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the awkward ending, I just figured the next part would be better as its own chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Party at Ray's.

Saturday came at Gerard in a rush. In what felt like no time, it was time for Ray's movie night. When they knocked on his door, Ray opened up with a big smile on his face. "My parents are out, they won't be back until Monday night. I hope Frank really brings Jack!" Gerard rolled his eyes when Ray turned around. He loved his geeky friends.  
They followed him into the den. The coffee table had been removed and in its place, there was a mini trampoline. Mikey laughed. "What the hell, Ray?" Mikey laughed. Ray shrugged.   
"Don't judge, man. It's nice to jump while I watch TV." At that moment, the doorbell rang. Ray loped off to answer it. Gerard heard Frank's pot-giggle and Ray chuckle.  
'Just like Frankie to already be cracking jokes.' Gerard thought fondly of the other boy.  
Frank and Ray invaded the living room. "So, I hope you brought the Jack," Mikey joked. Frank smirked.  
"Are you kidding? My parents don't keep Jack. That's too hard for them. And I couldn't buy any because--"  
"You look 12." Bob interjected. He was the only one who never knocked on Ray's door. He came over all the time; he and Ray were definitely close. Frank scowled.  
"Well yeah." His expression lightened, and then turned impish again. "But the old man does keep a stash of beer hidden from mom." He pulled out two six packs. "Old bastard. This isn't even a fourth of it!" They all chuckled.  
"Right, so I'll get the popcorn. Pick a movie!" Ray trotted into the kitchen. They could hear the sounds of opening packages and microwave beeps, which, theoretically, should be impossible due to the acoustics of the all-consuming fro.  
Bob sat next to the DVD cases and started flipping through. "Do we want horror, musicals, or what?" he asked. "Do not say-"  
"Rom-com!" all but Bob chorused. Bob scowled at them and put in the original Carrie anyway. They all settled in as Ray brought the popcorn out.  
Before they knew it, they were yelling at onscreen bitches and throwing popcorn at each other. They watched movie after movie, moving only for bathroom breaks and retrieving more food and beer.  
Gerard snuggled down into the couch next to Frank and fell fast asleep. He woke up with his head on Frank's shoulder and Frank's arm around his waist. His head was tucked under Frank's chin. When he opened his eyes and glanced around, Bob, curiously, was giving them an amused look. Ray was asleep on the trampoline, oblivious to the display, and Mikey was pointedly not looking at Frank and Gerard.  
Gerard extracted himself from Frank's hold. The movement caused Frank to wake up and quickly pull away. He turned slightly pink, Gerard couldn't meet his eyes. He felt strangely uncomfortable. Frank sprang up and rushed to the bathroom. Gerard started to feel guilt mix in with the discomfort. He really hoped that he had not upset Frank.  
Mikey sighed. "Go check on him, Gee." Played across his face in the language only he and Gerard knew. Gerard shook his head. Frank clearly wanted to be alone. Mikey rolled his eyes and followed Frank to the bathroom.  
Bob sighed. "You guys are idiots," he grumbled. Gerard turned bright red. He could hear Mikey trying to get Frank to open the bathroom door. Frank yelled that he was busy. Gerard heard Mikey stalk to Ray's room and knew that he was about to pick the bathroom lock. He turned his attention back to the television, which was now playing some black and white vampire movie. Gerard couldn't recognize it, so he knew it wasn't a big one. He heard Mikey's loud laughter and Frank's indignant squeak. It was stifled as Mikey quickly shut the door.  
Bob, who had a clear view down the hall, chuckled darkly and glanced over at Gerard. He looked away when he noticed Gerard noticing. Ray snored away on the trampoline. 'Even his hair looks sleepy.' Gerard mused. "Dude could sleep through anything," Bob snorted as he gazed affectionately at Ray. Gee felt like he was looking in on something private, so he looked back to the television once again.  
A good ten minutes later, Frank and Mikey came back into the living room. Gerard glanced over and noticed Frank's fly was down. As Frank plopped down oh-so-casually next to him, he pointed it out quietly. Or so he thought. Mikey cracked up again. Frank blushed and zipped his zipper and glared at Mikey simultaneously. Gerard felt even more confused than before. A feeling he was getting sick of quite quickly. He dug his fingers into the cuts under his jeans. Frank noticed and reached over to take his hand.  
"Don't Gee. You can do it," he whispered. Gerard looked into his eyes.  
For once, Gerard believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry it's so short. I hope that as the plot moves along, I can give you longer chapters. If anyone is still interested, that is.


	4. Chapter 4

Gerard laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling. Music pumped through his stereo speakers as he inspected the wooden beams of the basement. 'What am I doing with my life?' he thought mournfully. His phone started to ring.

'I got something to say! I killed a baby today...' he picked up without bothering to check the caller ID. "Hello?"

"Gee? Come to a show with me tonight!" Frank yelled. Gerard and Mikey had been trying to explain how unnecessary yelling on the phone was. Frank still didn't get that, though. 

"Quit yelling, Frankie. I don't wanna go to a show." Gerard began to internally panic. Too many people in such an enclosed space. 

"Don't be a pussy, Gee. I'll be there at eight." Frank hung up the phone. That was when Gerard started to panic outwardly. He grabbed his hair and tugged. How the hell was he supposed to deal with all those people?

An idea began to form in his head. 'I shouldn't.' Gerard knew he should leave the blade in the bag. But that was his coping mechanism. What he did to feel better, to feel right again. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Frank would never have to know. 

He stood and moved to the chair that sat next to his bag. He reached in, grabbed the blade, and pulled it out. He He wriggled out of his pajama pants and moved his boxer leg up. Very slowly, he pushed the blade down into the fleshy part of his leg and dragged the blade across the width. He almost groaned with relief. He had been holding that in for weeks. He did it twice more, then wiped his blade and put it away. He grabbed the roll of toilet paper he kept on the desk and got out a few sheets.

He pressed the sheets against his leg. They immediately began to soak up the blood as he looked at the clock. 7:15. That gave him enough time to shower before Frank arrived. He flushed the bloody toilet paper in the en suite bathroom and then clamored into the shower. He hissed as the too-hot water ran down his leg, tinging the water that circled the drain pink. Eventually, it ran clear again. 

He quickly washed his hair and climbed out, wrapping himself in a fluffy blue towel. He glanced at the clock again, which told him he had 15 minutes before Frank showed up. He did panic a little as he pulled on a Bouncing Souls t-shirt and black skinny jeans. He limped into the bathroom to apply a bit of eyeliner and blow-dry his hair.

Right as he turned the hairdryer off, he heard Frank clomping down his staircase. Gerard quickly exited the bathroom to see Frank, clad in a 'homophobia is gay' shirt, jeans that were ripped at the knees, and converse hightops. Gerard pulled on his combat boots and they were out the door.  
***

When they pulled up to the venue -which was a skanky little club that was frequented only because of its often-times great music- Frank jumped out of the car before it was even off. Gerard killed the ignition and quickly followed. Frank strutted right up to the door and gave their names. The bouncer nodded them in, and Gerard looked at Frank questioningly. 

"It's Ray and Bob's band that's playing. You would know that if you paid attention when we hang out with them." Frank grinned cheekily. Gerard scowled.

"Of course I pay attention! I've just been out of it lately." Frank's face softened. 

"I know Gee. Hey, let's go see if the bartender will give us drinks!"  
***

As a matter of fact, the bartender would not. Actually, the stodgy man had laughed at Frank and asked 'why he should serve an eleven year old'. That almost turned violent as Gerard yanked Frank's aggressive body away from the bar and into the crowd. 

Frank went straight for the mosh pit, leaving Gerard to stand to the side of the crowd and watch the band. He was petrified to push his way in. He pressed his fingers against the cuts on his leg. He practically felt the confidence swell up as the fear leaked out of the cut he just reopened. He began to push his way through the crowd and managed to jostle his way to the front, where he caught Ray's eye and grinned. Ray grinned back as he launched into an amazing guitar solo. Gerard screamed and clapped along with everyone else. 

After the show, Gerard sought out Frank and found him. Frank sat at a booth, sending death glares in the bartender's direction. The bartender, totally unaffected, handed four beers over to Bob and Ray. They trotted over to Gee and Frank and shared their treasures.

"Of course they'll serve you," Frank grumbled. "You both look 25." Bob snorted as Ray giggled.

***

The next Friday, Gerard was sitting at lunch. Ray and Bob had convinced him to sit outside on the patio overlooking the track and football field. He was fighting a losing battle, trying to keep the sun out of his eyes. Ray said something to make Bob laugh, but Gerard wasn't paying enough attention to know what it is.

He heard the school doors open. He idly glanced over, expecting another sheep of a student to wander through and sit at one of the other tables. What he was not expecting, was Frank's mom flanked by the principals. 

They trooped over to the table. Gerard heard Ray and Bob's conversation pilfer off into silence. Frank's mom looked distraught and the principals solemn. 

"Gerard, can I talk to you for a second?" Frank's mom grabbed his arm and hauled him to the side of the patio. He could feel Ray and Bob's eyes on his back. 

"Ms. Iero? What's up?" Gerard asked, confused. 

"Frank's dead." she said bluntly. Gerard's world narrowed to tunnel vision as he stared at her. "He committed suicide a couple of days ago. I figured you knew, but then I realized that he told you he was sick. I'm so sorry Gerard." She was apologizing, even though he was her son. He was nothing to Frank except a shitty best friend with a half-assed crush. 

Frank would never do that. Not to Gerard. Gerard was the fucked up one. Frank would not leave Gerard. What kind of fucked up person would lie about their son's suicide to his best friend?

"Why would you lie about that? What the actual fuck?" Gerard knew he was being unreasonable, but he couldn't just accept that his best friend abandoned him like that. "Frank wouldn't ever leave me like that. He wouldn't. He promised he wouldn't leave me alone." Gerard began to panic. If someone like Frank couldn't do it, what chance did he, a weak, pathetic loser have? He could never be as strong as Frank. 

He was vaguely aware of going to his knees, and Ray and Bob next to him, talking to him, but he couldn't make sense of anything. His face felt suddenly cold. He slowly reached up to touch his cheeks. Gerard blinked at the dampness of his skin. When had he started crying? 

His vision went black as he buckled forward to his hands. He couldn't believe this. Frank had abandoned him. There was no more Frank, no more chances. He was done. How could he move on from a best friend like that? He heaved and began to throw up, violently, painfully.

Then he woke up. 

Gerard lurched out of bed, and ran to the bathroom, almost tripping on the sheets tangled around his legs. He reached the toilet and landed painfully on his knees, hurling in the commode. He hadn't eaten much in the past two days- with Frank gone, he had fallen into bad habits, like forgetting to eat again- so he was puking bile and water. It burned his throat and left a acidic, bitter taste in his mouth before it was pushed away by a new wave of vomit.

He sat there for a good half hour, before he heard his phone begin to ring in his bedroom. He pushed himself up on unsteady legs and stumbled into his room to retrieve his phone.

"Hello?" he grumbled into the receiver, walking back to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

"Gee?" Frank's voice sounded a little frantic. "Are you okay? I just got the weirdest dream and I had the urge to call you. That sounds a little creepy, but it was such a vivid dream and I felt like it was important to call you." Frank was babbling, but Gerard didn't care. He was about to cry with relief. He finished brushing his teeth.

"Nah Frank, it's okay. I'm glad you called. I had a pretty terrible dream too." Gerard rinsed his toothbrush. He put his back against the wall and slid down. "But we should not talk about the dreams. Let's talk about something else."

"Okay." Frank sounded relieved, actually. "Have you been eating?" 

They slid into easy conversation until Gerard heard his alarm go off. He was supposed to be just waking up for school. He sighed.

"Oh, I hear your alarm. But fear not, I am going to be joining you peasants at school today!" Frank announced dramatically. Gerard giggled.

"Okay, I'll see you later then. I have to actually shower today." Gerard scowled.

Frank laughed back. "Later, Gee."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me forever. I thought I got a new beta, but I guess they bailed on me. So if you see anything that makes it harder to read or is unbearably embarrassing, lemme know! :/   
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taking me so long to update. Some stressful things have been happening lately ;-; Here you go!

Gerard and Frank flopped down next to each other. The Twizzlers were opened, the horror movie was in, and they were ready for this sleep over.

About halfway through Halloween 2, Frank rolled over and looked at Gerard. "Do you believe in love?" Gerard furrowed his brow.

"I don't think you want to hear my answer to that. Apparently, it isn't healthy." Gerard diverted his attention back to the screen.

"Of course I wanna know. I asked. Tell me." Gerard looked back over at Frank and sighed. He took another deep breath and began to prattle. 

"Love. Love is a foolish word used to describe an indescribable chemical reaction in your brain. Does anyone really love? Can love at first sight really exist?  
I am too cynical. I do not believe in love. Not even familial love. People believe that you should love your mother because she brought you into the world. But I didn't choose that. As a matter of fact, I really hate it. How can I love a woman that I did not choose that brought me into a life that I hate? Of course I appreciate the fact that she feeds me and makes sure I'm clothed and sheltered, but do you have to love to appreciate properly? Can teenagers ever really love? Isn't that a big debate? Their brains are still developing, so the chemicals that make 'love' may or may not be developed. At the most, teenagers can feel a strong affection, right? But then again, isn't that what all love is? Therefore, I cannot love, because all the odds are against me. If I am a teenager, and love is just a chemical reaction, then no. The bond to some of the people I know is most definitely stronger that to some of the others, but I do not really love anybody. How could I? I do not even love myself." Gerard finished his rant and looked over at Frank. Frank was gaping at him.

"Gerard. You take it too seriously. Love should be fun and frequent. You know, part of living is loving and all that. Why are you so cynical?" Gerard frowned.

"I knew it. That's what everyone says." He turned his attention back to the movie. 

"Gerard, you idiot." Gerard turned his head back towards Frank to snap back, but whoa. Those were Frank's lips on his. Gerard's eyes widened. Then, slowly, they slid shut. He moved closer to Frank and moved his own mouth in time with Frank's. Frank slid his hands up into Gerard's hair as Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank's waist. 

They sat and kissed for a while, until Frank pulled back. "The movie's over," he whispered. 

Gerard shrugged and leaned back in.

***

"Frank?" Gerard was snuggled down into Frank, on purpose this time. 

"Mmm?" Frank was half asleep already. 

"What does this mean?" Gerard was turning bright red. He's never been good at the whole feelings thing.

"What do you want it to mean?" Frank was awake now, and he sounded cautious. 

"I don't know. Are we in a relationship now? Don't you think relationships are over-rated?" It was true; Frank had broken off many good relationships and told Gerard it was because 'relationships are too over-rated for a punk rock lifestyle'. 

Frank scooched closer to Gerard, putting his mouth next to Gerard's ear. "I don't mind if you're overrated." Gerard felt warm inside and out. In fact, it was the best Gee had felt in what seemed like years. 

"So is that a yes?" Gerard breathed.

"Yes." Frank giggled. Gerard smiled and wrapped his arms around Frank's waist. 

'I'll be happy again,' Gerard thought as he fell into a comfortable sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short. I didn't really like this chapter, so I may rewrite it in the future. If you have questions or anything lemme know!


	6. Chapter 6

Gerard woke up that morning completely satisfied. Frank was curled up against him, snoring lightly. Gerard felt proud, which was weird, considering he and Frank hadn't even done anything unseemly last night. But the feeling was still there, nonetheless. Gerard slid out of bed, replacing himself with a pillow under Frank's arm. He climbed the stairs and wandered into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee and possibly some breakfast--he was feeling hungry for once. Mikey also ventured into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing his still-hair sprayed hair from last night. Sleeping had morphed Mikey's once teased-and-perfect hair into a giant rats' nest. Mikey smirked at Gerard.

"So, I went downstairs after I went home last night to hang out." Gerard froze. "I walked in on some impressive sleep cuddling." Gerard shrugged and went on with gathering stuff for his and Frank's eggs. 

"So what? I've liked Frank forever." Gerard challenged. 

"Dude, chill." Mikey laughed. "Bob and Ray will be so excited to find out that you two finally figured it out. We've been planning your wedding for at least a year now." Gerard blanched.

"That's just weird, Mikey!" he whined. 

"What is?" a sleepy-eyed Frank asked as he stumbled into the kitchen. "Where is the coffee?"

"In the pot," Gerard hummed happily. "And I'm making eggs. Put the Pop-Tarts down!" Frank froze with his hands halfway in the box. 

"Fine. What's weird? You never answered me." Frank sat down at the table with his mug of coffee. 

"Gerard thinks it's weird that Ray, Bob and I have been planning a wedding for you guys for at least a year," Mikey explained as he sat down at the table with his own coffee. "Make me eggs too, Gee." Gerard sighed and added two eggs to the pan he was making scrambled eggs in. "Don't you sigh at me, I actually live here! Anyways," Mikey turned back to Frank. "I walked in on your impressive sleep cuddling last night, so don't try to deny anything."

"I wasn't really planning on it." Frank took a drink of his coffee. 

"Good. I would beat your ass," Mikey mumbled. 

"I could take your skinny ass any day, Mikey." Frank laughed.

"How about we just don't fight," Gerard said nervously as he distributed eggs. 

"Sure," Frank said. He grabbed Gerard's arm and pulled him down into his lap. "I'm allowed to do this now!" he said excitedly as he wound his arms around Gerard's waist.

"Gross." Mikey made a disgusted noise and grabbed his plate. "I'll just leave you both to do-" he gestured at the two of them, "-whatever comes from that." He wandered out as Gerard turned bright red. Gerard felt oddly relieved. There had been a part of him, small but there, that had worried that last night was just pillow talk, and nothing more. Just two friends messing around. If this didn't confirm it, nothing would or could. 

"Hey," Frank murmured. "I can see you worrying. Why are you worried?" Gerard hung his head, caught. 

"I was just worried that last night--" he broke off. How would he even explain that? How could he explain that he was worried that Frank was using him and had lied? Every irrational part of his brain was telling him to lie, to make up something to worry about to tell Frank. But in the end, he blurted out, "I was worried that you lied last night and I'm still worried that you're just using me 'cause I'm easy." He could feel his cheeks heating up and he stared a hole into the floor. He felt Frank lift up his chin.

"Gerard, have I ever lied to you?" Gerard reluctantly shook his head. "If I wanted someone easy, there's a whole school of people that I could choose from. You are far from easy. Dropping hints around you is like dropping unnoticed elephants. I've been after you since freshman year." Frank looked straight into Gerard's eyes. "I like you, Gerard. I really do. Don't ever doubt that." He leaned up and pressed his lips to Gerard's. "You're so silly sometimes," Frank murmured against Gerard's lips. He pressed back in. He slid his hands down around Gerard's waist and pulled him closer; as close as he could get sitting side-saddled on Frank's lap. Gerard made a frustrated noise against Frank and rearranged himself so that he was straddling Frank. Frank gripped him tighter and pulled him closer. Frank's lips parted slightly and Gerard pressed in. He began to explore the inside of Frank's mouth. His hands moved from Frank's face down to his chest. As they began to slide lower, Frank's breathing became ragged. 

"Oh my God, guys, eww!" Mikey's shout startled Frank and Gerard apart. "Just because you guys are dating doesn't mean you get to deface the kitchen! Go to your room or something, Jesus Christ!" Mikey put his plate in the sink, refilled his coffee mug, and stormed out of the kitchen sending them a glare. Gerard looked at Frank and Frank looked back. His hair was doing crazy things and his face was red. Gerard was sure he wasn't better off. They stared at each other for a few seconds, and then burst into laughter. Tears were forming in Gerard's eyes as Frank bent over.

"That was awkward," Gerard wheezed.

"Poor Mikey!" Frank hooted. 

***

Gerard and Mikey climbed the school steps Monday morning. Frank had stayed until his mother had called in with death threats for the kidnapping of her son. She was joking, of course. About the kidnapping part. Both Frank and Gerard knew that the death parts weren't part of the joke. They had parted at the door with a kiss, and Frank was off. 

Mikey split from Gerard practically as soon as they entered, muttering just the name 'Alicia'. Mikey was a social flower at home and at concerts, but for some reason, once he gets to school he's pretty much a mute.

Gerard bee-lined for his locker, expecting Bob, Ray, and hopefully Frank to be there. He got 2 out of 3 as he saw Ray's magnificent mane and Bob's surly glare above the crowd. Gerard wondered how he became friends with such aggressively huge guys as he neared them. 

"Congratulations!" Ray yelled. Bob pulled out one of those little popper things and pulled it. The confetti rained down on Gerard's surprised head. Other students looked over to glare at the sudden noise. 

"Mr. Toro, those are not permitted on school property," a teacher growled as he stalked by. 

"Sorry!" Ray shouted the general apology and turned back to Bob and Gerard. "So not sorry," he whispered. 

"Guys, seriously. I'm not having a baby. I feel like you three are more excited than we are. How did you even find out? I mean, it just happened, like, Saturday." Gerard stared at Bob's impassive face. It broke for a split second to snort at Gerard.

"Whatever. Mikey texted us as soon as he walked in on you guys spooning."

"We were not spooning!"

"You were totally spooning," Mikey said as he approached, Alicia in tow. Alicia was a pretty girl, and she was cool. Gerard liked her better than the other girls Mikey usually dated. At the moment, however, he glared at her as she giggled at what Mikey said. Gerard felt two arms wind around his waist and a chin rest on his shoulder. 

"I'll have you guys know I'm the best spooner," Frank addressed the group. He placed a kiss on Gerard's neck. "Hey there," he whispered. Gerard twisted in his arms and wrapped around Frank's waist. 

"Hey yourself." He pecked Frank's lips.

"Are you guys going to be disgusting forever now? You're scarring me," Mikey said. 

"Hush. It's cute!" Alicia cooed. 

"I agree with Mikey," Bob said. "You two seem like the type to be stuck permanently in the honeymoon stage."

"What's wrong with that, Bryar? I heard you've been planning our wedding for, like, a year!" Frank shot back. "We aren't even being disgusting. You didn't even see us this weekend, when Gerard climbed on my--" 

"Okay! We are done here!" Mikey shouted as he stalked away, Alicia laughing and following.

"Dude, really," Ray groaned. "Why would you give us that visual?" he left, presumably to go to class, with Bob trailing behind like a terrifying blond shadow. 

"Nothing even happened this weekend," Gerard looked at Frank.

"I know, but the look on their faces," Frank giggled. "Priceless."

Gerard rolled his eyes and smiled. "Let's go, Joker. We're going to be late to English." They wandered off to face Mrs. White. They held hands, ignoring the weird and sometimes disgusted faces of their classmates. Mrs. White would no doubt be pissed-again- that Gerard hadn't bothered to do any of his essay-again. If she would let him sit in the computer lab on the designated typing days with his headphones and just let him type, he could be done with the stupid essay. The fact was, she wouldn't let him use his iPod, and she was making him do stupid little graphic organizers and outlines and fact cards. It was all pointless bullshit. When he had asked why he had to deal with it, she had told him that it was a skill for college that he may or may not use. Gerard wasn't even planning on college. He was planning on going wherever Frank wanted, getting a job at Starbucks or something, and to help him sustain an apartment. They had made this plan freshman year. He wouldn't even bother with school itself if Frank didn't insist upon it. For a punk, he sure placed a high value on education. 

"Did you do your essay yet?" Frank was chewing on his lip ring, which meant he was nervous. 

"No, not yet. Why?"

"I haven't either. I meant to do it this weekend but I was with you. Not to blame you or anything, it was my choice." Frank added the last quickly, but Gerard already felt guilty for obstructing Frank's essay time. 

"I'm so sorry Frank. I forgot that by choosing to not do my essay, I was forcing you not to do yours." They walked to the back of the room and sat in their usual spots- Frank by the window and Gerard in the next row beside him. That way, Frank caught all the sunshine and Gerard could still sit next to him. 

"Nah, it's fine. Kinda my fault. I'm ahead of it anyway, and I think today is a typing day." Frank shrugged. "What part are you on?"

"I don't have my outline done yet!" Gerard groaned. 

"Really? Mr. Way, the rough drafts are due tomorrow. Today is the last class period you get to type it. Other than that, you'll have to take it home." Mrs. White appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. "I should be mad, not only at your lack of essay, but you also distracted Mr. Iero, probably pretty thoroughly." She raised her eyebrows and shot them a knowing look as she swept to the front of the room.

"Does she know? How does she know that?" Gerard hid his face. 

"We were talking about it. Plus, we were kinda all over each other in the hallway." Frank reasoned. 

"Indeed, teachers see more than you students think we do," Mrs. White proclaimed as the bell rang and other students filed in. Gerard groaned again and hid his warm face. 

As Gerard sat there and half-listened to Mrs. White drone about the essay and due dates, he realized something. He took out a paper and scribbled 'It's been 2 weeks since I did the thing' and passed it to Frank. He wanted to keep it vague so if anyone took it and read it, they'd be confused as fuck. Frank passed the folded paper back. Gerard opened it and read Frank's neatly scrawled 'I'm so proud of you!!'. Under the double exclamation marks, Frank had used the dots to make a smiley face. Gerard smiled and glanced over at Frank, who smiled back.

"Mr. Way, I do hope you are paying attention!" Mrs. White called out. Gerard blushed, again, and turned his attention back to the front of the room. The smile was still on his face. 

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter! I hope it's a good one! I have another chapter prewritten, so less of a wait I hope. Con-crit always welcome, of course


	7. Chapter 7

"I have too much homework!" Ray complained in his loud, slightly high pitched voice. 

"Seriously, I have to work on that essay for English. I don't think Mrs. White will be nice to me for much longer." Gerard shuffled his back pack to the other shoulder. Two straps were for losers. 

"Bleh. I have so much shit to do for everyone. I missed two days last week," Bob grunted. They all expressed their condolences. 

"Alright. See you guys later then," Frank kissed Gerard goodbye and they all went their separate ways.

"I'm going to Alicia's!" Mikey shouted as she tugged him the opposite way from Gerard. Gerard waved them off and set off on his trek home. He put his headphones in and started blaring Bouncing Souls. Nothing better for a long day than that. 

Once Gerard got home, he plopped down at his computer and pondered his essay. It had to be over a social injustice of some sort. He thought of social injustices he could do. An idea popped into his head and he began to type. Gerard got so into the zone, he forgot to stop typing. By 3 in the morning, he had a solid rough draft. He went back in and finished his outline, even though he had already done his paper. By the time he was supposed to get up for school, he was finished with everything. He shook his head and printed it all out. He went upstairs to make a pot of coffee. Gerard would need a lot of coffee on this particular sleepless day. He climbed into the shower, allowing the warm water to flow down with the shampoo. By the time he got out, a full pot of coffee was ready to go. 

He poured his first glass and set about his morning tasks of getting dressed and smearing on eyeliner. He even snuck into Mikey's room and stole his hairdryer. Gerard felt good today, like he was soaring in a wave of white. He refilled his coffee cup and became a breakfast tornado. Mikey wandered in, rubbing his eyes at Gerard's manic behavior. He was dressed and ready, but he wasn't caffeinated enough for this shit.

"Why the hell are you so happy this early?" Mikey grumbled. "You're not even a morning person."

"Well, this isn't even morning. I didn't sleep so this is more afternoon to me!" Gerard kept bouncing around the kitchen, making toast and poptarts. He handed them to Mikey.

"This isn't a traditional breakfast." Mikey complained. "Where are the eggs and bacon?"

"Don't complain, poptarts are God." Gerard hummed. He refilled his mug once again.

"I think you've had enough coffee." Mikey poured himself a mug, finishing the pot and making Gerard briefly pout. 

"Whatever, I have to go anyway! You need to leave too. You'll be late!" Gerard grabbed his bag and walked out of the house, Mikey close behind, acting as a guard of sorts. Mikey always dreaded these manic periods. They were almost as bad as the depressed ones. They made Gerard giddy, and unintentionally self destructive. They also made him binge eat, which got him in trouble with their mother. 

"Mikey, I'm hungry, do you have food?" Gerard whined. His whine turned into a squeal of delight as Mikey silently handed forth a pop-tart. He finished it right as they climbed the stairs. Gerard rushed inside to find their friends. Mikey trailed behind.

"Frank!" Gerard threw himself at his boyfriend, kissing his face and clinging to him, not unlike a monkey.

"Hello darling. Are you okay?" Frank looked pleased but slightly concerned at Gerard's overly affectionate-and very loud-behavior. 

"I'm great. I'm in such a good mood today! I finished my outline and rough draft!" 

"That's awesome, babe." Frank saw the bags under Gerard's eyes and frowned. "Gee, did you sleep at all?" He glanced at Mikey, who shook his head.

"Who needs coffee when you have sleep?" Gerard giggled. "Oops, said that backwards. I meant who needs sleep when you have coffee?" 

"Gerard, are you on drugs?" Ray and Bob were looking at him like a nut case. Like he was pure crazy in a basket. They looked to Mikey, who shrugged.

"Nah, just a little caffeine. And stop looking at Mikey like he holds my answers. Like I would even lie about drugs!" Gerard suddenly snapped. Frank and Mikey exchanged knowing glances. They knew how to handle Gerard when he was in a mood. Ray looked a little hurt and a lot confused, and even Bob's stoic face was a tad bemused. 

"Come on, Gee. Let's go to class. I'll read your essay. What did you decide on for a social injustice?" Frank tugged on Gerard's waist as they headed to class.

"Okay. It's really good! I picked the oppression of gays and the general homophobic attitude in our nation!" Gerard dropped his bag on the desk and whipped out his essay. He handed it to Frank and sat there, waiting. Frank smiled at him and began to read. 

"Gee! This is really good! I'm jealous!" Frank beamed at Gerard.

"Don't be jealous!" Gerard looked really concerned all of the sudden, and jumped up to hug Frank.

"Not literally, Gee." Frank murmured into Gee's ear. "I just meant it's really good." Gerard jumped back and smiled again.

"Of course! It would be silly to really be jealous over an essay!" Gerard hummed and dropped into his seat. 

"Did the fag forget to take his medication today?" Frank glanced over and realized that some of the class had come in and seen the little scene they had just put on. It shocked Frank; nobody had ever really directed any homophobic comments at them before. In fact, no one had ever really noticed their existences before. He quickly covered his shock with his most intense glare.

"Watch your fuckin' mouth," he growled. He glanced down at Gerard, who was hiding his face. He squatted down next to him and moved one arm to see his face. It was beet red, and there were tears in his eyes. 

"Sorry, Frankie," he whispered.

"For what?" Frank muttered back.

"Now they noticed us, because of me. I was too loud and too...gay!" Tears came down in waves. 

"No, hun. They're just assholes. Don't worry about me, we can handle it." Frank whispered encouraging words to Gerard. He looped his arm around Gerard's and made him look up. Frank pressed his lips, slowly and briefly, to Gerard's. Gerard sniffed and smiled a watery smile. Frank wiped his tears and smiled back. He then sent a threatening glare around the room, making all the remaining spectators look away. Mrs. White, thankfully, chose that moment to come into the room.

"Alright, settle down. Rough drafts are due today. Pass them up." There were a few groans and mumbled 'that was today?'s among the rustling of papers being turned in. As Mrs. White flicked through the essays, she looked up, surprised. "Gerard, I didn't expect you to turn in one today." 

Gerard sat up, proudly. "Stayed up all night finishing it, ma'am. And I think it's really good." They smiled at each other.

"Glad to hear it. Not about the staying up all night part, though. Try to sleep tonight?" She moved on. Frank smiled at Gerard, and received a smile in return. 

"Hey, you wanna come over tonight? Mom's making veggie lasagna," Frank whispered to Gerard. He waggled his eyebrows a little.

"Sure, sounds awesome," Gerard whispered back, waggling his eyebrows as well. They giggled at each other. 

"Boys, do you have something to share?" Despite her strict words, Mrs. White looked fairly amused.

"No ma'am!" they chorused. 

***

"I'm going to Frank's!" Gerard called to Mikey at the end of the day. Mikey waved and walked off with Alicia. "I hope he keeps her." Gerard said to Frank.

"Dude, she's not a dog!" Frank laughed. 

"Same principle?" Gerard questioned.

"Not quite." The two kept up the friendly banter as they trekked to Frank's house. Frank swung the door open and they were greeted by Black Flag and mom-singing. 

"Dude," Gerard said. "I totally love your mom. She listens to punk rock while she makes food!"

"Mine," Frank replied, and then paused. "Both of you. Separately." He started to head towards the kitchen. Gerard followed. 

"Mom! I'm home! I brought Gerard!" Linda Iero herself poked her head up from behind the kitchen island and greeted them. 

"Hey boys. Sorry about the mess, I was thinking about dying my hair and I was trying to decide what color--of course I can do yours too! Both of you!" Linda grinned as she plopped a bottle of red dye on the counter. "Who's going first?"

"Can I get a mohawk?" Frank pulled himself up on the counter. Gerard leaned next to him. 

"Sure. Your dreads were getting smelly anyways. How about you, Gerard?" She looked at his over grown black hair, where the brown roots were coming in. "Maybe not red. Not your color. Not just yet."

Gerard frowned. What did that even mean? Out loud, he asked, "What about blue?" Linda smiled.

"Turquoise! On your roots! Perfect. Frankie, we're giving you a mohawk. We'll bleach the sides and die the rest black. This is going to take a while. I'll order pizza instead of making veggie lasagna." She darted out of the room. Gerard watched with awe.

"Dude, I totally love your mom," he repeated. Frank smiled. 

***

A few hours later, Gerard was feeling like a new person. Which was ridiculous, because he only had blue dye on his roots, but new nonetheless. Linda was sweeping up all the hair she had cut off. She was sporting cherry red hair with black tips. Frank was in the bathroom washing the bleach from his hair.

"Thank you, Ms. Iero," Gerard said. "I really appreciate this."

"Anything for you, Gee." She winked. Linda Iero was the only adult that ever called him Gee, and he was okay with that. "It makes Frankie happy when you're happy. Can't imagine why..." She trailed off suggestively. When Gerard remained silent, she sighed. "Anything you boys want to tell me..." she stared at him intently. Gerard twitched uncomfortably. Linda sighed again.

"Fine, don't tell me." She knocked on the bathroom door. "Frank, hurry up, I'm making your boyfriend uncomfortable." Gerard's eyes widened. "That's right, I knew. I'm not dim." She cackled and swept out of the room.

"Ta-daa!" Frank popped out of the bathroom. Gerard beamed. 

"Frankie! You look..."

"Charming, dashing, beautiful, punk rock?" Frank listed.

"Practically eatable." Gerard smirked.

"I can still hear you!" Linda yelled. Frank laughed. He started to laugh harder when Gerard turned bright red. Gerard went up to Frank. He ran his fingers through the mohawk and his hands down the shaved sides of his head. Frank reached up and grabbed Gerard's hair. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Gerard's. 

"I'm really digging your hair," Frank murmured into Gerard's mouth. Gerard tilted his head back to deepen the kiss. Frank dropped Gerard's hands to wrap his arms around his waist. 

"Mom coming in!" Linda announced as she entered. Gerard and Frank jumped apart guiltily. "I did a glorious job with your hair, Frankie!" She moved over and examined him, carefully ignoring what she had interrupted. 

"Yeah, mom. It looks great." Frank beamed at her. 

"I know, I'm awesome. Now get your asses into the kitchen. The pizza is here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the end was a little awkward. I was trying to make Linda seem awesome but realistic. Phew. Con-crit is welcomed! Christmas chapter coming next, I think.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning. In the first couple of paragraphs. Please skip them if it triggers you ;-;

It hit him in between his house and Frank's. Gerard stumbled and fell, the weight of the emotions pumping through like blood too strong. He knew he had legitimately no reason to feel so useless and alone. Gerard took a deep breath and pushed himself up and forced himself to walk the rest of the way home. He moved through of the back door, watching for his family. Gerard's mother had left a note, saying that she and his father wouldn't be home till late. Mikey wasn't home either, judging from the absence of Joy Division blaring through the floor. 

Gerard plopped down on his bed. He grabbed his stereo remote and cranked up The Used. Then he crumbled. He slowly slid down, his back to the side of the mattress and his knees to his chest. The tears rolled down his face rapidly. He let them. It felt like his chest was collapsing into an empty space. It hurt to breathe. Gerard's throat felt raw from the broken sobs that came one after the other. They stopped as he realized what he could do to feel better. He pulled off his jeans, sitting only in his shirt and boxers.

He stood and stumbled over to the desk and fumbled the drawer open to retrieve the bag. He ripped the zipper open and pulled out the blade. He dropped into his rolling chair and pressed the blade into his leg as deep as he could. He could feel layers upon layers of skin tearing. The skin stayed open for a moment, and then started gushing blood, all his anxiety and hopelessness flowing with it. He breathed a sigh of relief. 

In the background, The Used played on.

"Cut so deep that it didn't even bleed..."

***

As Gerard cleaned and bandaged it, his mind wandered. 'Shit,' he thought. 'This is probably gonna need stitches.' He shrugged. "Let it heal weird," Gerard whispered. "I don't even give a fuck anymore." 

Then it hit him.

He broke it.

He broke his promise to Frank.

Gerard dropped the antiseptic and covered his face. He had been so focused on making the feeling go away, bleeding it out, that he had forgotten the promise he made. Frank would be devastated. Probably angry, too. And he had the right to. Frank had tried so hard to make Gerard stop. He had given Gerard a lovely day. Gerard had just fucked it all up. He curled up on his bed, miserable once again. 

***

The next morning, Gerard trudged into the kitchen, limping slightly. The shower had made his leg ache a pulsating, burning pain. He poured a cup of coffee but swished it around instead of drinking it. Even the coffee looked unappealing to his upset stomach. Gerard did not want to face Frank, but at the same time, he felt a ridiculous urge to run to him and tell him how bad he fucked up. He was chasing the thoughts around his brain like the coffee in his mug when Mikey wandered in. He had red in his cheeks, and his eyes were shining. 

"Morning Gee," Mikey went to the coffee pot and poured the remaining coffee into his own mug. Gerard grumbled something that sounded vaguely like a greeting and kept eye contact with only the mug. Mikey really wanted to say something, but he knew this mood of Gerard's. Any comments would take him lower, give him more...urges. These were the moods he feared most. This stage of the swing brought on a self-indulged urge to self destruct and crippling anxiety. Mikey was surprised Gerard even got out of bed today. He usually didn't even bother. 

They sat in silence, Mikey drinking his cup and Gerard staring mournfully into his own. Eventually, it was time to go. They stood and headed out towards Gerard's car. As they walked, Mikey noticed that Gerard was limping, favoring his right leg. Mikey thought back and couldn't think of a time Gerard told him about injuring his left leg.

***

As soon as Frank woke up, he knew something was going to go wrong that day.

Just a gut feeling told him to be prepared, and as soon as he saw Gerard, he knew what he should have prepared for. 

Gerard took in Frank's face as he approached, looking him up and down suspiciously. He grabbed Frank's wrist. 

"Can we go somewhere and talk? Please?" Gerard's eyes filled with tears and Frank nodded, already knowing what Gerard needed to tell him. The limp in Gerard's walk confirmed his suspicions. They climbed into Gerard's car and sat in silence for a moment. 

"Frank, I--" Gerard started but Frank cut him off.

"I know. But what I don't know is why." Frank turned to stare at Gerard. "I thought yesterday went brilliantly. We did our hair and everything, we had a great time. Why did it upset you?" He took a deep breath and tried to think of a way to phrase it. He thought of all the stuff he had spent hours Googling to help Gerard. "What--triggered--you?"

That's when Gerard burst into tears. 

"I don't know, Frank!" he wailed. "I just... it's like I can't handle too much good all at once? I was so happy yesterday, I could barely contain it, and then I was walking home and it hit me and I felt so pathetic and empty. I can't be happy for too long. My body rejects it, I guess. And nobody was home and I just broke down. But I'm sorry for breaking my promise, so so sorry." Gerard finally took a breath. 

 

They sat in silence for a moment more, Frank staring at his lap and Gerard at the steering wheel, still crying in shuddering gasps. They heard the first period bell ring and noticed that the the parking lot had cleared. Finally, Frank spoke up.

"I'm not mad that you broke the promise. I'm sad that you felt so alone that you had to hurt yourself. I love you, Gee. I love you so much. And when you hurt, I hurt." Gerard looked over at him. "If it's not too much trouble, can I..." Frank paused. "Can I see?" 

 

Gerard stopped crying. "I don't know, Frank..." he looked down at his lap again. "It's not something that you want people to look at, you know?" Frank grabbed his arm.

"I'm not people, I'm Frank. Lemme see, please." Frank made his eyes big, like he knew Gerard couldn't resist. It was unfair on his part, but he suddenly had the desperate urge to see how bad it was.

Gerard sighed. "Okay. Let's go to the back seat, I guess." He moved to the back seat, Frank close behind. Gerard undid his belt and shimmied his pants down, just far enough to show the cuts he had made last night. He hadn't bothered to bandage them after the antiseptic. He held his breath as Frank gasped and leaned closer for inspection.

"Gee," he whispered. He moved up and hugged Gerard as hard as he could. "I think these may need stitches," he whispered into his ear. He moved around and kissed Gerard gently. "I still love you. I wanna help you get better. Help me help you, please Gee." Gerard nodded and pulled his pants up.

"We have to get to class Frank." He moved to open the door. 

Frank grabbed his hand. "Let's just wait for second period," he winked and pulled Gerard in for another kiss.


	9. Chapter 9

"Frankie," Gerard whispered, glancing up to see if the detention teacher heard him. They had been busted in the back of Gerard's car. Maybe they wouldn't have gotten in as much trouble for skipping first block if they hadn't been fooling around and smoking on school property. Since it was a first offense for both of them, they had gotten off easy with just a detention that afternoon to make up for the class they missed. Gerard whispered Frank's name, a little louder. Frank turned. 

"What? You're going to get us in trouble again," Frank whispered back. Even though the words sounded rude, the smirk on Frank's face told Gerard he didn't mind. 

"Come to mine after detention. Nobody is home." Frank wiggled his eyebrows and grinned. At this point, they were just talking at a normal volume. The detention monitor clearly didn't give a fuck what they were doing. She looked even more bored than they did.

"Can't get enough, huh? We got busted this morning!"

Gerard smiled slightly. "Well, yes and no. I'm scared to be alone." The smile slid off of Frank's face and he nodded. He promised himself right then that he would go to all lengths to make sure Gerard's urges didn't get the best of him once again. 

***

"We can totally eat Pop-tarts," Gerard said to Frank as he unlocked his front door. 

"Good, I'm hungry." Frank pushed past Gerard and sprinted into the kitchen. 

"You act like your mom doesn't feed you delicious home cooked meals!" Gerard laughed as Frank tore into the box of Pop-Tarts. He grabbed his own pack. "You're not even toasting them, you savage." Gerard shook his head and dropped his unwrapped toaster pastries into the toaster. 

"Putting them in the toaster is for chumps who aren't hungry," Frank said through a mouthful of food. "Instant gratification, my friend." 

Gerard shook his head again as the Pop-Tarts popped out of the toaster. "You're a barbarian," he teased. 

"A barbarian you like to kiss," Frank shot back. He finished his Pop-Tarts before Gerard even began his own. 

"Fair enough," Gerard turned to the counter to begin eating his food. He felt two arms wrap around his waist and a chin settle on his shoulder. "Frankie, stop. I'm hungry," he giggled. 

"I finished chewing though." Frank murmured as he kissed his neck. Gerard shivered and pushed his Pop-Tarts away. He turned around and faced Frank, who found Gerard's lips in a hungry kiss. Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank's waist and tipped his head back. Frank's lips traveled down to the hollow in Gerard's throat where he sucked gently. Gerard moaned. 

"Frank," he panted. "Frank, not in the kitchen. Let's go downstairs." Frank pulled away and nodded. Gerard pushed him back and grabbed his arm, tugging him to the basement. They stumbled down the steps and tripped over the mess on the floor. Gerard spun around to see Frank. 

Frank kept coming forward and pressing Gerard backwards. Gerard felt the back of his knees hit his mattress--the same place he had sat the other day. He shivered and forced his mind back to Frank. Frank was looking at him through half-lidded eyes. He pushed Gerard down onto the mattress and straddled his hips. 

"I'm not ready," Gerard blurted. Frank blinked at him.

"Okay," he said simply and began to climb off of Gerard. Gerard grabbed his hips and pulled him back. "Gerard, if you aren't ready, then this is really mean," Frank said, not unkindly. Gerard took a deep breath.

"I want to be intimate," he breathed, "but I'm not ready for sex." Frank smiled and leaned in to kiss him. 

"I can work with that," he whispered into Gerard's ear. He continued to kiss Gerard, and Gerard-after a moment of doubt- kissed back. It felt good to kiss Frank, it felt safe. "I know you said you weren't ready for sex," he whispered. "But can I still touch you?" Gerard's rough intake of breath and quick nod answered his question. Frank placed his hands on Gerard's chest and slid down in between his legs. Gerard was suddenly hit by a wave of self consciousness. 

"Frank, wait," he said again. He sat up and Frank looked up at him. He looked so hot, down between Gerard's legs with half-lidded, lustful eyes. Gerard took a deep breath-which was becoming a habit- and let it out in a harsh sigh. 

"Gerard, if you don't want this, I understand. We don't have to." Frank stated, sitting up straight.

"It's not that I don't want it. It's just that..." Gerard hesitated, then let it all out in a single breath. "Idon'twantyoutolookatmyscars."

Frank blinked. "Gerard, I've seen them before."

"That's different." Gerard sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "We weren't being...intimate." Frank sighed back at him.

"Take off your pants," he commanded. Gerard stared at him.

"What? Why?" 

"Just do it. We aren't being intimate now," Frank pointed out. Gerard frowned and pulled his pants off. Frank leaned up and inspected the scars. Then, he leaned down to kiss the scars. Gerard jerked away. He felt sickness well up in his stomach. 

"Don't do that," he snapped. He pulled his pants back up and closed his legs, pushing Frank out. He drew his legs up to his chest. 

"Why not? What's wrong?" Frank asked, confused. He didn't know why Gerard was reacting this way. He had seen posts and blogs singing praises about boyfriends and girlfriends that kiss the scars better.

"I don't want you to do that," Gerard muttered from between his knees. 

"Why not?" Frank demanded. He didn't understand Gerard's defensiveness.

"Cause when you do that, I feel like I'm going to throw up!" Gerard shouted, standing up. "It's not romantic, it's not kind! It's embarrassing. You shouldn't even have to look at them, much less kiss them!" Gerard suddenly lost his heat and fell back on the bed, exhausted. Frank sat on the floor, shocked. 

"Gerard, I didn't mean to upset you." He moved up to sit next to Gerard on the bed. "I just...wanted to show you that it's okay. That I understand." 

Gerard scowled, his eyes still closed. "You don't understand. You don't. You think you do, but you don't." His face smoothed out, and he opened his eyes, allowing tears to fall.

Frank sighed. "Listen, Gee. I'm trying to understand. I'm trying my damnedest to help you, but you won't let me. When I tried, you flipped shit on me. I'm scared, as scared as you are. I don't want to lose my best friend. I can't." He closed his eyes. Gerard looked at him. 

"I'm sorry Frankie. I'm sorry I yelled. I just...it makes me sick, you know? It makes me physically sick that you have to see them. It made me want to throw up when you tried to kiss them. It makes me sick just thinking about it."

Frank sat up and brushed the tears from Gerard's eyes. "Gerard. You could have just said. But I'm sorry too. I should've known. Forgive me?" Gerard nodded. "Good. I accept your apology, and we're moving on from this melodrama that is our lives." Frank joked. Gerard smiled.

"I am a drama queen." He giggled.

"God do I know," Frank groaned jokingly. He leaned down and kissed Gerard again. "Now let's go get the rest of your Pop Tarts. You must be starving."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a long time coming? Geez. This is my first time writing anything CLOSE to smut, so don't crucify me please. Con-crit welcome, comments make me write faster!

**Author's Note:**

> Phew! That was intense, yeah? The chapters won't always be this short. If you see any mistakes, let me know please. I accidentally made my beta cry with this, so we may not have caught everything.


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